Call It What You Want To
by moesha771968
Summary: It was time to talk...Who could he count on to listen?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I do not own CSI or anything else related to the show. (BTW, if I did, Grissom and Sara's relationship would still be between just them and us and Warrick would still be in the diner with Nick.)

**A/N**: Story is set shortly after 8x07 'Goodbye and Good Luck' .

**Summary**: It was time to talk about it, but who could he turn to?

**Call It What You Want To**

When Gil Grissom woke up that afternoon, he was relieved it was his night off. For the first time in weeks, he was going to take it. He had something he had to do.

Heather Kessler had just walked in her door, when her phone rang. She thought her eyes were deceiving her as she looked at the caller id.

"Hello, Grissom."

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This had seemed like a perfectly good idea an hour ago. Calm down, Gilbert, he thought to himself. It is still a good idea. For the first time in your invisible life, you are going to do something for yourself, just to make yourself feel better, even if only for a little while.

Heather welcomed him into her home with a smile. She was undoubtedly curious what has brought him here. But curiosity would have to wait. This beaten down looking man, her friend, had not come to her easily. It was up to her to make sure he didn't leave looking the same way. This evening was going at his pace, that was something she now knew for sure.

After the tea had been served, small talk began. Gil seemed genuinely interested in how Heather had been doing, as he is a natural enabler, this made sense. Heather was thrilled he asked about her new career, as a consultant to women business owners, and her relationship with her granddaughter. The granddaughter he had been instrumental in helping her meet. Gil listened, but was silent when she finished telling of her granddaughters' latest antics. So, Heather thought to herself, small talk is over. The silence reigning for the last twenty minutes did not bother her, she would wait for him.

She said nothing as he got up to stand and look out the window at the gardens. Finally, he spoke.

"My whole life, I've been virtually unknown,...I've made myself invisible. People see what I want them to see, and no more. Work is different, to be known in that world, has been my goal. But the rest..." His voice trailed off, as he looked back at her. She nodded in understanding. He turned back to the window, and began again.

"Nearly ten years ago, I was invited to give a four day lecture series at the Forensic Academy Conference. That year it was in San Francisco, which I happen to like a great deal. The department encourages that behavior, so I went. I actually enjoy students, watching them 'get it' so to speak. The first day, there must have been seventy five or so participants, but it was her eyes that found mine. Or mine that found hers, I should say."

Heather said nothing as she watched her friend remember. The wistful look on his face told her everything she needed to know: Gil Grissom was hurting, likely because of a woman. Now, that's one woman I would like to meet, she thought. When he began talking again, she realized, in a way, she was about to.

"The entire lecture I found my eyes coming back to hers. They were actually interested in what I was saying. I found myself hoping she had signed up for my other lectures. Afterward, I was getting my gear together, she came up and introduced herself."

"How did that make you feel?" Heather didn't want to interrupt, but she wanted to know.

"It's not uncommon for students to come up after a lecture. They usually want to chit chat or tell you how they would love to come and work for you, blah, blah..." Gil explained.

"Is that what she did?" Heather asked.

"No, she had a few additional questions about the lecture. That's when I realized she was working up to something."

"What was that?" Heather asked.

"She asked me to dinner. I wanted to say no, but... when I looked in her eyes, I found myself saying yes, like I couldn't help it. I wanted to keep talking with her."

Heather was intrigued watching her friend recall what was obviously a big event in his life, he was almost smiling. She was silent, she wanted him to continue.

"I had a couple of realizations that night. During dinner, listening to her speak about her love for science, it occurred to me. This woman was my worst nightmare: beautiful, smart, mysterious, and..." He stopped, that wistful look on his face again.

"And what?" Heather blurted.

"Young. She seemed so young, she actually had a ponytail." He stopped, glancing at Heather briefly before looking back out the window.

Having composed herself after her outburst, Heather pondered this. This woman had captured Gil's attention, mentally and physically. Captured it to the point he was here now. What was prompting him all this? Since he had grown silent again, she had to ask.

"What was your other realization that night?" Heather asked.

"After dinner, I was walking her to her car. When we got there she thanked me for the company and promised not to ask too many questions the next day. Just before she got into the car..."

"You kissed her?" Heather asked, knowing it might be difficult for him to say.

"What! No. No. Worse. I looked into her eyes, and everything unknown, became known. It was like she was looking at my soul."


	2. Chapter 2

Grateful that any romantic feelings she had for Grissom were in the past, Heather now had a better understanding of what brought him to her door.

"How did that make you feel? Someone looking and seeing what you hide so well?" Heather asked, wondering if this young woman even realized what she had seen.

"You are beginning to sound like a therapist." Grissom replied, buying time, debating his real answer. Just go with the truth, Gilbert. Isn't that why he asked to come here? He wanted, needed to talk about this.

Just when Heather thought he was not going to answer, he spoke.

"I was...intrigued, to say the least. She went home and I returned to my hotel hoping it was a figment of my non-existent imagination." With that, he returned to his seat across from her, a distinct look of discomfort on his face.

'Intrigued,' Heather thought. Yeah, someone was in denial.

"So, was it?" Heather asked.

"Was it what?" Grissom replied, seemingly lost in his thoughts for the moment.

"A figment of your non-existent imagination?" Heather said, with a wry smile, knowing that the man did indeed have a imagination.

"No." Grissom said wistfully, remembering the connection he shared with Sara from the beginning. She was special to him, then and now.

"When I saw her the next day, I knew I wanted to spend more time with her. She seemed to feel the same way. Between her job and the conference, we were able to get together some. We had a lot in common, she was a CSI in San Francisco. We spent a lot of time talking about the work." Grissom said, remembering Sara's passion for the job. She had wanted to know everything about everything, and he enjoyed the idea of mentoring her...from a distance.

Meanwhile, Heather couldn't help but wonder about this woman. Looking to get ahead by buddying up to one of the most respected in their business? Looking for a father figure, maybe? Looking to seduce the teacher, and add a notch to her belt? As all the scenarios pushed through her mind, the romantic in her settled on the last one: maybe this young woman knew exactly what she saw in his eyes and decided to play it cool. Smart girl.

"When I left, I felt good. I had made a friend, not something easy for someone like me to do. We kept in touch." Grissom explained.

"Nothing romantic at all?" Heather asked, trying to figure out how if you had just met your soul mate, you could just walk away friends.

"I admit, there was an attraction. But..." Grissom replied.

"You ignored it, right? Why?" Heather said.

"It seemed for the best. It was nice, why ruin it." Grissom answered.

Did he just say nice? Heather thought. Call it what you want to, Grissom, but you were falling in love, and I mean the big one, with a capital L. Still, why is he telling her all of this now? Heather couldn't help but feel like a mouse in one of those complicated mazes. Has he kept in touch with her all these years? Is he finally ready to do something about it?

"Gil, why are you here?" Heather asked, wanting to know what she was missing.

"I just need to talk about her...I miss her so much. And I am the one that drove her away." Grissom replied, sadly.

It was the sadness in his voice that got to her. There was a lot missing in this story and she knew, if he was willing, she would listen to it all. Gently taking his hand in hers, she spoke.

"I'm here. I'm listening. Tell me all of it, and why don't you start with her name."

"Sara. Sara Sidle..."

And he did. From the long distance mentoring to the undeniable working chemistry to the home they had built together to the final kiss that shook up his whole world. Grissom spilled it all, remembering things even he had forgotten through the years. Heather remained silent, her mind whirling, trying to absorb it all. When he was finished, it seemed like a lifetime had passed.

Heather couldn't help but remember her own brief meeting with Sara. Professional and polite, but kind and not one to judge. Beautiful in a way that said 'I do not need anyone to notice, I know who I am.' Yes, Heather thought, she would be the one for him.

Everything these two had put each other through...how ironic he would bring her to Vegas, knowing that the geographic distance between them was keeping their hearts safe. How sad she could put it all out there again and again, only to be disappointed. How maddening he would go to her only after she finally understood his limitations and that they were not meant to be. How funny it must have been for them learning how to be a couple. How devastating for their home to be taken away only after finding love and passion and friendship can co-exist.

Grissom was still quiet, lost in his memories and saddened by how he let this happen. Sara had consumed his thoughts for so many years, yet when she really needed him, he stepped back and let her retreat, all but driving her away. Why had he let her move to swing, away from the people she trusted? Because that was what she said she wanted. Why did he wait until he knew something was wrong to ask her to be his wife? She said yes, didn't she? When she was hurting, he knew it, yet he went to New York just to finish a puzzle. She knew the case was important. Why had he helped her get near that girl who finally pushed her over the edge? She wanted to finish what she started, he could respect that. He could justify it all, but still it had to be his fault she left.

"So, you see. I let her down, I couldn't reach her, leaving her no choice but to go. Alone." Grissom finally said.

"Actually, no, I don't see." Heather replied. Seeing Grissom's puzzled look, she boldly continued.

" Sara was alone before she ever left here. Alone when her father died...Alone when her mother was taken away...Alone while in foster care...It was that solitude that got her out from underneath that car. It was that solitude that kept her alive out in that desert. When in her life was she not alone? When in her life did she have someone to be there for her? " Heather feared she may have said too much, given the pained expression on Grissom's face. Despite that, she felt she had to continue. He needed to hear it, and she could only hope he would start to get it.

Grissom felt like his world was spinning. What is she trying to tell me? He already knew all of this, didn't he? Isn't that why he and Sara belonged together? They understood one another. When he left on sabbatical, there was no dramatic scene, right? She understood. When he went to help Heather, she got it, right? Of course, they understood one another, the ability to be together and yet alone at the same time...but then again he didn't feel alone anymore when he was with her. Somewhere along the way, he had learned to let her in. Sara had learned the same hadn't she?

When he rose and began to wander around the room aimlessly, Heather finally felt she was getting somewhere.

"Why didn't you follow her?" Heather asked.

"Because it wasn't what she wanted." Grissom replied.

"Exactly. At least you recognized it's not even about you." Heather said. Looking at his defeated expression almost made her laugh. What a wonderful man this is, she thought, and what an incredible woman he had found.

"Grissom, you are a tremendous, if not maddening man. As a rule, I generally do not try to solve one's problems in one session..." Heather began, stopping after Grissom's sour look at the word 'session'.

"Sorry, that was in poor taste. Some people are afraid to be alone, I think Sara is afraid of not being alone. Being with you gave her hope. Solid evidence that someone would indeed be there for her. A reason to face her past and all the demons that go with it. It took an amazing amount of strength to do what she did. But she did it, I believe because she loves you." Heather finished, those being the last words she would say to him that day. She had said enough. When she looked up at Grissom's face, she couldn't help but smile. These two will reunite, someday.

With that, Grissom found clarity. 'You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever...Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you are my one and only. I will miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever really had...' Weren't those Sara's words? Words he had not shared with his current companion. Words that he had read over and over to only now understand their full meaning. He didn't drive her away from her home, he had given his love a home to come back to. Sara loved him enough to go...to make things right, for her and for them. He would love her enough to accept that and her... whenever she was ready.


End file.
